sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
