when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
