do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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