We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
