I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
