Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
