Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
