I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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