I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
