apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
