hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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