Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
