If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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