Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
