i was born a porn star she said
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
