this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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