If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
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omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
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My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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