you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
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woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week