I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.