Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
