whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
