i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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