I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
