The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
