I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
worst night to have a conscience
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
