Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize