my phone needs a breathalizer
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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