At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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