I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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