Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
