Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
