After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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