dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
