Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
