i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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