It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
