if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Help. Why am I so naked?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
