Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
