I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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