You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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