My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
