Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
