I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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