Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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