1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
