i think my tv is drunk
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
