So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
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I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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