just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
