Is it because I queefed?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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