i love accidental penises.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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