so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
