you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
